Writing

I have written the MOST amazing, life-affirming book you’ll ever read. It’s the best book in the world, seriously, check it out

Dear casual internet browser,

I was planning on making the Kindle version of my book Praise of Motherhood heavily discounted for a promo this month, but through some screwup it turns out the discounted book is my much less wonderful (but still wonderful, life-changing and brilliant) book: What Precision, Such Restraint. Who am I kidding? It’s a damned amazing book.

I could try to sell it to you the soft way, but fortunately, I just took a class in online marketing and it turns out I’m the king of the hard sell.

In marketing, you’re supposed to make sure people walk away at least remembering the product you’re selling. So, here it is:

What.

Precision,

Such.

Restraint.

You’re skeptical. You’re wondering, What’s in it for me if I buy this guy’s book?

What_Precision

WHY SHOULD YOU BUY THIS BOOK?

Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but here’s the link to my book so enter your credit card details and switch on your Kindle, maybe?

It’s really an amazingly well-written book, full of passion, wisdom, comedy, a deep love of humanity, some of the most profound insights into the trappings of love, and, of course, incredibly erotic scenes of long-overdue lovemaking.

DON’T BELIEVE ME?

I understand. I used to be like you.

Lonely.

Afraid of the next day at work.

A virgin, even after sex.

Fat.

BUT I DISCOVERED A METHOD.

Society doesn’t want you to read books like this. It’s much more comfortable for everyone if you just keep your head in the sand and do the same things everyone else does. A sheep. A bleeting, lonely, work-fearing, virginal, fat sheep.

Me, I refused to end up like all the people around me. I discovered… WHAT PRECISION, SUCH RESTRAINT.

I loved it so much, I even ended up writing it. For you.

(UPDATE: SINCE REREADING THIS BOOK I HAVE MADE PASSIONATE LOVE TO AT LEAST FIVE SUPERMODELS AND INCREASED MY SALARY INCOME BY 400%)

To be honest, I wasn’t even sure I should reveal this book to someone like you. My friends told me it’s just too powerful. Why give away my secrets?

BECAUSE I WANT YOUR MONEY.

And with some convincing, you may yet want to join me in making me money. By buying this book.

Look, PLEASE buy my book. It’s only a damned dollar. If you have a Kindle, you can get it in under 60 seconds, according to Amazon’s tireless marketing. Think about this. Less than a dollar AND less than a minute. Don’t you think you should try it? At least once? At least for 10 seconds, and a dollar?

Five seconds, and a dollar?

Just download the ebook and maybe save it for later. Why not?

IF YOU BUY NOW, YOU’LL SAVE MONEY ON A BOOK YOU’LL BUY EVENTUALLY ANYWAY.

If you’re still not convinced, consider this:

It was Independent Publisher’s GROUNDBREAKING INDIE BOOK OF THE MONTH in March or something.

And they misspelled my name.

Jourdan became “Jourdon” — see for yourself:

To be sure, What Precision, Such Restraint is a thoroughly frustrating text, one that won’t appeal to most readers, let alone all of them. Jourdon is an avant gardist through and through, far more a disciple of Joyce and Faulkner than of more straightforward, classicist literary figures. Sentences are left unfinished, conventions of dialogue challenged, and punctuation rules often dispensed with entirely. Entire narrative rhythms are dismantled and reconstructed at will, all the subject of Jourdon’s thematic flights of fancy and his chameleonic authorial voice. Stories oscillate between vivid, relatable scenes—bits and pieces of Jourdon’s memories, most likely, or fragments of half-remembered dreams—and concepts completely alien to us as readers. Sometimes, it’s difficult to keep up.

Clearly, my book left critics so impressed and jealous they had to CHANGE MY NAME to create enough of an emotional distance to be able to review the book objectively.

My SEO rankings, of course, will suffer from this. But so what? The book is great. And great art stands apart from trends, SEO rankings and the radio.

Another reviewer, from the New York Times, said:

[T]he Harry Potter books are, at heart, satisfyingly shrewd mystery tales.

NEED MORE PROOF OF THIS BOOK’S GREATNESS?

HOW ABOUT THIS?

COULD

YOU

PAINT SOMETHING AS WELL AS I JUST DID?

THAT’S THE MONA LISA. BUY MY BOOK.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HERE IS THE LINK AGAIN.

 

One Comment

  1. For the skeptics: what he said up there is true. I paid $1.99 for this book. The value Mr. Jourda(o)n is offering you today is…well, it’s about half as much, which is awesome. Or twice as much. I’m not sure. The math makes me a bit dizzy. Whatever, it’s a different amount. But if you asked me, would I, today, still be willing to pay $1.99 for this book, the answer would be

    HELL NO.

    Because I can get it for $0.99 today. As should you.

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